How It Feels

What does living with Fibromyaglia feel like? Well according to a lot of people I've talked to about it, they know EXACTLY what it feels like! I mean, they've sprained their ankle before, broken a wrist, had surgery, had the flu for two weeks once...TWO WHOLE WEEKS, people. Shut.The.Front.Door. They tell you, "just suck it up," "get more exercise," "it can't be THAT bad," "it's not even a real thing," (more on that in another post), and my favorite is, "I think you just enjoy being lazy."

Yes, that is exactly it. You caught me! Gah, I guess now that the gig is up I have to get up and just do stuff. Who in their right mind would just enjoy sitting around being basically bed ridden? Let me be the very first to tell you, IT'S BORING!!!!!! I have little ones all day every day so for me to sit down and "be lazy" means I'm stuck watching some craptastic cartoon(s) all.day.long. Not really my idea of fun. Not to mention at least one of the two little ones will be wallering in my lap at some point if not most of the day. So, not only is it boring, but it's uncomfortable too.

I'm so tired of people telling me they understand, or they've "been there" and they got over it. What the eff ever! So, I thought I'd tell you about a typical fibro day for me. I wake up either when the baby makes me or my alarm goes off to get the big kids ready for school, usually between 6am and 8am. Waking up consists of me literally rolling out of my bed, and slowly trying to stand up into a straight position. The way my back, neck, and shoulders hurt every single morning, simply getting of bed is an ordeal for me..a very painful one at that. I wake up feeling like a cement truck has stopped by my bed and poured concrete into my neck making it nearly impossible for me to turn my head or do the simplest things like pick up my baby without pain.

By 8:30 the kids are in school and by 9 the baby is ready for a nap, and luckily if he's not ready, he'll take one with me because by 9:30 I can hardly keep my eyes open. Yes, I am THAT tired after just waking up. So we nap, usually until 11. Now, because I have a four year old, I don't nap deeply but I do doze off while he is watching tv. I'm not proud that I fall asleep while my child is awake, but I'm honest about it, and it happens. After our nap I'll get up and try to do some dishes, maybe a load a laundry, or clean the bathroom...on a good day. On a bad day, I simply sit as much as possible. I get my kids at 2:20 every day and some days we walk to get them and on bad days we drive to get them...guess what happens more? Any day that I manage to get in ANY amount of exercise feels like a huge accomplishment to me. Even though that short mile and a half walk is sure to make my achey knees ache even worse until I wish I could just cut my legs off above my knees. Once we get home, I rest and put the kids to work, picking up and doing their daily chores. On good days, I help. On bad days, I sit.

As the day wears on, my neck, shoulders, and back only get worse. My knees, ankles, hips, lower back, and wrists all throb, and while not totally unbearable all the time, it's not pleasant. But alas, I still have to make dinner for six people. Something that most people dread but not me! I love my time in the kitchen. Or, I did, until fibro took that away too. Cooking has become a chore most days. I love it on my good days but more often than not, I dread it. And yes, the way my family is used to eating has changed. It's less healthy, but it's still pretty healthy, and at this point, I'll take what I can get.

After dinner is done, I most always have a full on headache and still have homework to check, baths, and bed for 4 kids to tackle. Thankfully, my better half is usually home by now and a huge help. And by now, the pain is so intense everywhere in my body that I can't hardly stand it. Most people would retreat to their beds hopeful that morning would bring sweet relief. But no me, not I. I can't because the pain is too much and I can't sleep. My mind is going a million miles a minute and I can't shut it off. When I finally do go to sleep, it's well into the wee hours of the morning and all I can do is pray that I wake up in a little less pain than I was in today. And that is just ONE day and ONLY the phyiscial pain that I deal with every single day. There is no deadline, no expiration date that this all goes away for me. It's not a sprained ankle, or a broken arm, it's not the flu, and I can't just exercise it all away so don't you dare tell me to get over it.