About Me

So, I thought I'd tell you a little bit about me, my life, and my family. I am a 31 year old wife, and mother of four amazing kids. Three boys and one girl,ranging in age from 11mths-9yrs. Man I am BLESSED!!! My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years and he is an amazing man that works his butt of for me and the kids. He has stuck with me through thick and thin...through sickness and health. And let me tell you, there has been a whole lot more sickness than health.

For YEARS now, I haven't felt right. I suffered through depression and anxiety. I self medicated with alcohol. Almost 3 years ago, I was diagnosed as bi-poloar and having adhd. The ADHD meds helped me a lot. But with the bi-polar they had me on and off a different med each week and I eventually thought I was going to go crazy. We made a drastic life style decision and packed up and moved across the country to be with family. During the first few months we were here I was taking at LEAST 13 medications EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. And I was a total zombie. Actually, I have very little memory of the first few months here in Cali. And then, very unexpectantly, we found out we were expecting our fourth child, so off the medications I went. Talk about horrible. Between withdrawals and first trimester sickness and exhaustion, I was miserable and an absolute mess. There wasn't a time during that pregnancy that I felt "well." I actually lost 30lbs because I couldn't eat but I was always achey and tired...scratch that...EXHAUSTED!!! But I chalked it all up to being preggo...I mean it wasn't my first go-round, but this 4th pregnancy was BRUTAL.

So, I went in to deliver and things were progressing well. Then, I asked for my epidural...can you hear that.....("DUNNNN DUNNNNN DUHDUNNNNNNNNN.) So, I got my epidural, and YAY, got some pain relief!!! Until, the numbness started creeping up my stomach, to my boobs, (OMFG, I CAN'T FEEL MY BOOBS, I screamed,) to the top of my shoulders, down my arms, and then the worst...up to my throat. It was the worst and one of the scariest moments of my life. I was sure I was going to die. But, obviously I didn't, as he is now almost 11mths old and here I am writing about the "F" word and how it's changed/changing my life.

About two weeks after we brought our baby home, I started experiencing the most excruiating pain in my right shoulder blade. It seriously felt like someone was poking me with a burning hot cattle prod. I went to my doctor and she shocked me with the news that she thought I had shingles. SHINGLES???? WTF?? That is for OLD people...NOT me! But it turns out she was right and I started on 6 more meds a day. Good. Freaking. Times.

After the horrible burning pain finally started to subside, I started feeling pretty good and I was LOVING it! My house was always clean, my kids, happy and healthy and doing wonderfully in school. And then one day, BAM. I felt like crap again. I chalked it up to an illness; something the kids had brought home from school. But, it never went away. Sure, I have good days and bad days. Who doesn't? But as the days go by, my good days are days that I can manage to cook some eggs for my youngest two, go to the bathroom, put cartoons on for the 4 year old, and pass out with my baby for a morning nap. THIS ISN'T HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE!!!!!!

I want to go, go, go, go, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, but my stupid body isn't letting me. I hate my body right now. I feel like it's betraying me and robbing my kids of the mother that they should have had. Not to mention, robbing my husband of a wife able to stay at home and keep a clean house and not complain about how I feel every time I talk to him. I keep telling myself, "tomorrow will be better." I really hope it's true but I am not holding my breath.

I'm seriously hating the "f'" word right now....it's ruining my life and it's not fair!